*This blog deals with emotions surrounding the death of a loved one. Please keep in mind that this is written from a singular perspective – everyone’s experience and feelings are different.*
“It’s been well over a month since Mom passed”… It has been almost two years since I wrote those words. Mom passed 3/3/2022. In the time since, and much more recently, Dad passed (9/21/2023). I’m sitting down to finish what I started but with so much more to sort through mentally and emotionally. These next few blogs will be focused on my Mom and the events that began December 2021.
In some moments it feels like it has been an eternity. In other moments I’m expecting her to call or walk through the door. My last birthday I was driving and thought “huh, Mom forgot my birthday again” and then burst into tears as my brain processed the reality of the statement. In many ways, I’ve processed everything happening around me. In other ways I have done what I do best: compartmentalize, avoid, and refocus my emotions and energy. When I look at the events over the time that has passed, I recognize that the ability to compartmentalize is what helped me keep everything running during the first year. The irony being that it is most likely what was hindering me from moving forward (but that is a different post).
I knew around the middle of February 2022, that I wanted to write about everything that had happened; from my perspective and from an “events/hospitality” background. Mainly because I quickly recognized that I was, essentially, an event planner and I was in event management mode. Maybe it will help someone else, but, mostly, I hope that it helps me. It seems so selfish to type that phrase, being selfless and giving is one of the things I always admired most about my mom. However, here we are and here we go.
This is my take on the events that transpired between December 2021 and March 2022. It will be written across two postings, as I reflect on what allowed me to “stay strong” (whatever that actually means but I sure heard it often enough) and the random observations and feelings that I noted either out loud to a friend, my father, or to myself.
A timeline and overview: For reference and a peak at my perspective
- December 15, 2021: Scans revealed that Mom had two tumors on her brain (golf-ball size on left cerebellum and small on right frontal lobe) and lesions along her spine.
- December 16, 2021: Emergency craniotomy to remove tumor from cerebellum. I arrived in Orlando from Salt Lake City and found out what was happening. Dad’s 81st birthday.
- December 19, 2021: Released from hospital to come home. She was walking laps around the hospital wing, ready for chair Zumba (joking, kinda).
- December 28, 2021: I leave Florida having made arrangements to return at the end of January when radiation on the brain would begin. Classes would be started face-to-face and then transition to synchronous online until after radiation and I’ll return to finish the semester. Estimated timeline was 1 month. Scans were still underway. No official diagnosis. Mom is walking half the block with no walker or cane, she is being accompanied by the cats.
- End of Dec – 1st week of Jan: Diagnosis received – Stage 4 breast cancer that had metastasized to brain and spine.
- January: Radiation on spine and 1st chemo treatment
- January 28, 2022: I fly back home. Mom is using a walker to stay stable, still dizzy and energy levels come and go. I take my classes to synchronous Zoom – running them from the bedroom office. Trips to Daytona begin with brain radiation happening – Mom needs a wheelchair as she is too weak to walk any significant distance.
- February 2, 2022: 911 is called – severe dehydration and overnight in ER
- February 5, 2022: 911 is called – seizure and overnight in ER
- February 9, 2022: 911 is called – severe dehydration and urinary complications – last radiation treatment on the brain is canceled. ER doctor asks us (Dad and I) if we have thought about hospice. An additional MRI is run and it shows that cancer has spread across her spine with spots elsewhere. The doctor presents two options: 1) he can find a spinal surgeon and we can attempt to get rid of the cancer with extensive spinal surgery or 2) we can do everything possible to make Mom comfortable and bring in hospice. (He said that if it was his family member, option 2 is what he would do. For us, it was an easy choice – make Mom as comfortable as possible.)
- February 10, 2022: Transfer to hospice care facility to get the pain under control. Ultimate goal: Bring Mom home. Phone call from the facility that she tested positive for COVID and would be in an isolated room. Visitors would have to put on full PPE gear.
- February 13, 2022: Mom comes home. Hospice nurses in the house for 24 hours to help get Dad and myself comfortable with meds, turning, etc. Mom is talking but speech pattern in impaired (it is thought that she had a seizure on transport from hospital to hospice). She is eating soft foods and is aware of what is happening for little bits of time before drifting to sleep. After the 24 hour time frame we receive daily visits from hospice. Medication is given every 6 hours and every 8 hours (pending).
- I made a decision to go asynchronous online with my classes and posted an announcement to all classes. (Yes, I had been teaching synchronous Zoom until this point.) I recognized that at this point trying to maintain synchronous Zoom was just not going to be feasible. I continued grading, responding to all emails, coordinating with T.A.s and guest speakers for appearances, visits, etc.
- Feb 16 – 23: Family and friends come by daily to visit.
- February 22: Mom is unable to swallow and is less responsive. Crisis care comes in for 24 hours and medication is adjusted to being given every 4 hours and 6 hours. COVID quarantine time frame is over and home health care commences (i.e. bed bath). This was the last she ate or drank anything.
- February 28, 2022: Things start changing. Medication is adjusted.
- March 1, 2022: I called the hospice line as breathing is changing and I have no idea what to do. Medication adjustments are made and the nurse on the line says that what is happening is normal as Mom draws closer to end of life.
- March 3, 2022: 5:55am: Administered morning meds. Dad and I changed shifts at 6am. Dad woke me up to let me know that at 7:30am, while he was fixing his cup of coffee, Mom went onto her next adventure. Calls to hospice. Hospice took care of calling the funeral home. We said a final goodbye to Mom as a family before her body was taken.
- March 7, 2022: Spring break ends and synchronous online classes resume. I would stay in Florida, teaching synchronous Zoom, until April 8/9th when I would fly back to finish the semester face-to-face. After the semester ended, I drove back home for the summer.
Navigating December 2021 to March 2022: The Event Planner/Teacher Mindset and How it Helped
The term event management as defined by Bladen, Kennell, Abson & Wilde (2023) is “the organization and coordination of the activities required to achieve the objectives of events.”
I realized, at some point, that I was running an event, albeit one of the most important events of my life. Dad and I talked about this. Over the time taking care of Mom, I made so very many correlations between what I was teaching my students to what was unfolding in our lives. I maintain that this mindset is part of what helped me navigate all of the uncertainties and moving parts of what was unfolding.
1) Events should have a goal.
Every textbook ever talks about how the goal/purpose is what drives everything that happens when planning an event. This was no different.
- As a family our goal was simple: Keep Mom comfortable.
- I had a couple additional goals:
- Support and take care of Dad
- Take care of the household (bills, etc)
- Take care of my sister
- Maintain class quality and job responsibilities to the best of my ability
2) Speak the Language
Be able to speak the same language as the vendors you are working with. I say this so many times in a classroom. For me this unfolded in a couple ways:
- Being able to read the monthly Explanation of Benefits from the insurance company and the medical bills in order to identify what medical bills could be paid, had already been paid, and what needed a phone call.
- After the second 911 call, I phoned a friend and said “Hello, I need a crash course in EMT because I’m having some issues communicating.”
- Medical lingo as it pertains to the conversations with the hospice nurses. I was pretty fluent in discussing the small world of medicine as it pertained to Mom fairly quickly. I would review and re-review and ask questions so that I understood what was happening.
3) Organization, planning, and communication is key.
Events run smoothly when they are organized, planned, and everyone communicates.
- This wasn’t Mom’s first cancer rodeo and she had a system down: notebooks, folders, a calendar dedicated only to doctor appointments and what was happening, etc. Before leaving in December, we had written down her medications on an index card, started a binder for scripts and orders, and created two calendars (one for me and one for her).
- When Mom came home from the hospice facility. I sat with the nurse and organized the medication schedule. The nurse recommended starting a journal and logging everything and I started that immediately. I logged EVERYTHING: when she ate, what she ate, when meds were given, what meds were given, when she was re-positioned, how many liters of urine were emptied, what the daily numbers were for O2, blood pressure, etc. Doing this allowed for me to communicate easily with whomever came to the house for daily check-ins
- It was critical to helping me stay organized when I started getting tired.
- If I happened to not be at the house when the hospice nurse came (which happened 1x), she was able to pick up the book, read the notes, and have an accurate picture of how the night went. (She then added her information for the day to the log.)
- My classes were organized from the start of the semester (I’m a planner). I was in constant communication with my TA (who was absolutely amazing) and used announcements to clearly communicate with the students as to what the schedule looked like as things changed. The last thing I wanted was for students to be confused, I had to project confidence in the uncertainty.
4) The ability to think through situations and process tasks isn’t a substitute for expertise
The primary hospice team that we worked with was phenomenal. They were patient, kind, and took the time to walk me through everything that was going on. However, there was a time when things were changing with Mom and we were going to be utilizing a ‘foley catheter’ – this meant that I had to learn 1) how to insert and 2) how to administer meds via the foley and 3) troubleshoot if something wasn’t exactly right. My face when this was all being explained in a 10 min tutorial. Our head nurse looked at me and said “I can have a nurse stay at the house for 24 hours if that will make you more comfortable and give you a little time to learn how this works. Me: “Yes, please”. That night, the nurse on shift was assessing the situation and decided to call the doctor because she saw a different way to do things – while on the phone she said “The daughter is more than capable, I don’t really know why I’m here.” I was floored. She later looked at me and said “me being here isn’t so you can sleep, you obviously have things handled so get some rest since I’m here but know that this isn’t what this service [the 24hr] is for.” FLOORED. Two things: 1) the young lady made some excellent adjustments that meant the foley didn’t need to be used and that was all sorted out and 2) I realized that she forgot that my capability didn’t translate to me being a professional caregiver. I just happened to be a competent human being.
When working with individuals it is so important to recognize that just because they may be handling the tasks put in front of them, it doesn’t mean that they are trained or are subject matter experts in that area. It would have been so easy for me to have a meltdown of EPIC proportions at that moment (frankly, it would have served her properly). I didn’t. I just kept moving forward because a meltdown wasn’t going to accomplish anything. Remember to check on your people, provide constant training, and don’t get caught in thinking that just because things are being handled, the person handling them is an expert.
5) It isn’t about “you” – Emotional labor
Events are not about the people running them. It is pretty common to find that the feelings and emotional well-being of the event planner are not typically a priority (or even inquired to).
How people react to what is happening to and around them isn’t a reflection of their feelings of you or how you are handling the situation. It isn’t personal. This is HARD to wrap your head around. No one takes the time to ask the event planner, “How are you doing?” because this is their job, this is what they do. There is an assumption that for that planner, it is just another stroll in the woods. Common phrases that every planner anywhere has probably heard: “You are handling this amazingly”, “I don’t know how you do this”, and my personal un-favorite “You are so strong, I couldn’t do what you are doing.” I heard those phrases so many many times from December to April. I just smiled and nodded and sighed. I learned to just accept it as graciously as possible, because it wasn’t about me. It was about allowing the person saying it to express their support in the way they knew how. It wasn’t about me.
- The emotional labor in trying to accommodate everyone’s grief and whatever other myriad of feelings accompanied all that was going on. Balancing visitors while trying to maintain an atmosphere that was not chaotic. Politely finding ways to kick people out so that others could visit – or just kicking people out so that there could be some peace and quiet – for Mom, for Dad, for the family as a unit. The constant management of everyone’s emotions, like at any event, was ongoing.
Sorting through the requests from people on how they could help.
- People wanted to help without being intrusive; I appreciated that….BUT. What that means is that I had to figure out how to make people feel like they are being helpful and come up with ‘tasks’. I appreciated the friends that just sent food, or made food and brought it. It was something that we, as a family, didn’t have to think about. I appreciated the friends that came over and told me to go take a nap because they would sit with Mom until it was time for meds, dinner, etc. Those little moments when I wasn’t having to manage other people’s emotions or offers of assistance were so welcome.
- It wasn’t about me (but it sure helped when there was a break and I could focus on me for a little bit.) Accept that and the journey becomes a little smoother. The really important thing is to understand that not everyone is capable of this – some people can’t put their sense of self aside. They aren’t capable and in that moment the trick is to remember “it isn’t about me” they are doing the best they can and this is just how the cookie crumbles.
6) Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, leverage them
In working with any team, it is important to recognize the strengths and weaknesses of those around you. For any event to be a success, the staffing has to be properly executed (Heitmann & Roberts, 2010). Navigating the emotional labor can be lessened by recognizing who around you is good at what and letting them do their thing. Part of the flip side to this is that sometimes you have to re-direct energy and personalities so that they are helpful and not inadvertently causing unnecessary stress and confusion. It is also reminding people that they ARE helping. When something comes naturally to you it is easy to think that you aren’t doing anything, however when someone else doesn’t have that same skill set you don’t realize that you are being a tremendous help. My sister and I had to hash this out: She is great with people, it comes naturally to her. I am capable of handling people but it is draining for me and I’m less adept. So while she didn’t think she was helping when I asked her to handle all the people, she was actually a HUGE help. I would have struggled immensely without her assistance in the people area. I would have struggled without Dad – we all had a part to play and we were a team.
Team management skills truly come into play in events. The better understanding you have of the team around you, the more manageable a situation will be. A big takeaway for me was in recognizing that sometimes I was projecting what I hoped for in a person and was frustrated when they didn’t rise to the expectations that I had set. As a good friend once said “You can’t make a lizard a swan”. This is a lesson that took me a while (I’m still working on it) to really get but it is important to ensure that things proceed as smoothly as possible.
Heitmann, S., & Roberts, C. (2010). Successful staffing of events. Event management, 6, 113-136.
7) There is no such thing as an emergency (…unless it IS an emergency)
“There is no such thing as a crisis [emergency].” This is probably one of the most commonly used phrases amongst event planners. We all know that individual for which any tiny or moderate hiccup is all of a sudden a crisis. Instead of taking a breath and thinking through a workaround, they panic. It’s like running into a room and hysterically screaming “FIRE!!! EVERYONE STAY CALM.” Nobody stays calm. Pandemonium ensues.
On the other hand, you have the person who just sighs and handles the situation (and then goes and self-soothes after). “No such things as an emergency”.
- 911 call #2 was terrifying. Mom was having a seizure. I managed to speak with the operator until the paramedics arrived and the entire time I just kept thinking “stay calm” “there is no such thing as an emergency.” Except in that moment it hit me .. I’m on the phone with 911. This is the VERY definition of an emergency!!! I laughed about it later and it still makes me smile and shake my head. So I’ve taken the liberty of re-phrasing the phrase in class by adding the “…unless it IS an emergency.”
8) Don’t be afraid to laugh and find moments of joy.
It is so easy to go down the rabbit hole of dismalness. That does nothing but spur on depression and creates a roadblock to success. Events are hard. Laugh when you can laugh and don’t feel guilty for it. Laughter releases hormones that make you feel better (google it!). Find the joy (or at least some sense of confidence in a job well done) – working any event is hard enough, don’t make it harder on yourself through self-inflicted negativity.
- Mom was fairly irreverent and our household was always filled with giggles and snickers of laughter. Sometime in November, Mom was complaining about gaining weight. Fast forward to Feb 14 and we were celebrating my sister’s birthday with pizza and cake. Mom was home and I was feeding her, as she couldn’t feed herself. I remember looking at her and going “You know Mom, given your concern about your weight, I’m not sure I should be offering you cake.” She just looked at me and the corner of her mouth lifted in a smile. Dad and my sister started giggling. A small moment but a moment that helped to lift the mood and those are the memories I fall back on.
I’ve seen social media posts that state how laughter and joking is a way to avoid feelings and is a sign of denial. I’m no therapist but I look at it in a Star Wars sense: I can give into the Dark side or I can channel the Light side of the Force. I’m going with the light side where I can. Professionalism in the events industry is on a mood scale from happy to aggravated, most good event planners sit around the middle of that scale with some slight shifting back and forth but never in the extremes. To go to the extremes doesn’t solve anything, if anything it really is a sign that nothing is ok and it can negatively impact the event and those around you. You become the disruptor of the balance and it can cause you to lose sight of your goals and objectives.
Everyone grieves differently, everyone handles stress differently – however going through a stressful time doesn’t give anyone the right to be a total a-hole to those around them. Grief isn’t a pass to be a jerk or an ‘ok’ to lash out at those closest to you.
Through the worst of everything, even when Mom stopped responding, I would talk to her and find ways to joke and laugh. It helped. It helped keep a sense of light even in the heaviest of times in the atmosphere. Mom was sunshine walking. She disliked when there was tension or heaviness in the atmosphere and she was very sensitive to negative energies. Keeping the gloom and doom away felt right for her and I think it was good for everyone.
When it all comes to a close
…In the next post…
Find AJ 